Anticipation

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I am not the best at waiting. I have an excess of patience only with certain things….kids, animals, my daughter…..that’s about it lol I don’t do well in traffic or ppl that don’t respect my personal space, racists, etc.

But, I’m even worse when it comes to giving myself time. Time to heal. Time to grow. Time to build my writing and life. I expect instant results. Now. It has to be now.

My OF took off fairly quickly and I maintain an income that fluctuates + or – a couple hundred dollars every month. Consistency. That’s what I work on. Not being the most popular or top earner. I’ve built a close relationship with several subscribers (I don’t like the word fan). And I work my booty off to continue at that pace.

Wattpad was slow growing. Very slow. It took my about a year of posting to get noticed. When it finally happened and my short novel took off, a felt a huge sense of relief. I knew I was a decent writer. But, followers were asking for updates, loving my characters as much as I did.

Now, the Patreon. I want instant results. I can’t seem to give my site the time it needs to build. Growth takes time. I KNOW this, yet still can’t help the impatience. I have subscribers. Not a lot, but a start. That’s what matters, right? A start.

The notifications keep my focused on my main goals. Rewrite the short novel I lost, completely restructure and rewrite the second, and create a selection of short stories to self-publish after the first of the year. An OF subscriber is even working on a cover for me. I have the absolute best ppl supporting me.

So, why can’t I relax and enjoy the journey?

Self-awareness tells me it’s my age. Turning 50 this year made me realize how many months and years I lost dealing with life’s setbacks. I feel an increasing need to move forward faster. Probably faster than is even possible. And, maybe the goals aren’t attainable. I don’t know.

I’m going to keep trying.